You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
