if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
