The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The adults are the big ones right?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
