i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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