Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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