Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You took a bar mat shot.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
