Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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