ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
