So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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