I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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