she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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