If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
there is puke in my bra ... again
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