Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
