I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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