I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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