i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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