You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I can text with my tongue
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
