My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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