Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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