Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
