Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
