Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize