she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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