FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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