4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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