hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
