Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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