brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
