i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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