Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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