i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
