drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
