If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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