I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I need to calm my uterus...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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