You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
