He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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