Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
