I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
