And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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