I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
