i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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