I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
