That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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