So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
