New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
