oh god the rape fog is back!
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize