Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
