wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
