If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
ttyl tear gas
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
