he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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