So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
