A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
