I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
