nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
