ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
