Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
