When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize