Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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