Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
cat food counts as protein by the way
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize