If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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