The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
