To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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