Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
